Ode to Bullshit


Glory be to bullshit, that from which blossoms grow, that to which all food returns. I sing the hymn of universal Bullshit.

1% of a seed is the flower, 99% is manure. 1% of a flower is the seed, 99% is manure. And so it goes, all the way up to the galaxies, the green pastures of heaven. I only know this: there's a pretty big Bull up there.

Why are you always right and I'm always wrong? Why am I always right and you're always wrong? Both of us wallow in bullshit.

The orchids and poppies of religious dogma spring from enormous steaming piles of bullshit. The political ideology of the Right is bullshit. The political ideology of the Left is bullshit. The melodrama of the PHD is sparkling bullshit. The latest scientific theory is the flowering of bullshit. The neuro-meta-bio-physics of the most recent article I have read: pure bullshit.

No one has ever seen a theory. Yet we each cling to the theory that appeals most to our insatiable appetite for the self-deluding fragrance of bullshit.

No one has ever seen a quark or an eleven-dimensional 'string.' Quantum physics is a charmed lily growing in bullshit.

No one knows what distant stars and galaxies are, or if they even exist, because all we ever see is a smudge of light millions of years in the past. Who knows but that the stars are dancing archers, scorpions, rams and bulls, each constellation dumping its luminous offal onto the earth?

Astronomy is bullshit. Astrology is bullshit. The night sky is deep bullshit. Rejoice. Wallow.

If you swallowed a pill of bullshit, it would cure you 50% of the time. Ayur Veda, Acupuncture, Chiropractic, Aromatherapy and Crystal Healing: all based solidly on theories of bullshit.

The pharmaceutical industry thrives on the laboratory science of bullshit. When I listen to TV ads for prescription drugs, I can't tell whether they're trying to cure me or kill me. 

And don't forget Yoga, O blessed numberless schools of bullshit! 'Hot' bullshit, 'constant flow' bullshit, 'integral' bullshit, 'kundalini' bullshit: all sleek artfully tanned tank-topped bodies covered with the balm of bullshit!

The thousand-petalled lotus in the brain grows in a skull full of bullshit. Matter is bullshit, Spirit is the odor of bullshit.

Rejoice when you finally comprehend that there is nothing to seek because Truth is bullshit, and bullshit shall set you free. 

What if Creationists sat down in a pile of bullshit with Evolutionary Biologists? The Creationists might declare, 'Our attempt to understand the laws of science through the first chapter of Genesis is total bullshit.' The Biologists might then confess, 'The Big Bang, Thermodynamics, Darwin's theory, it's all bullshit: we really have no idea where the universe came from.' Wouldn't they all be more awake?

What if Israelis sat down in a pile of bullshit with Palestinians? The Israelis might admit, 'Those old stories about burning bushes, parting seas, the promised land: they're wonderful stories if you're a Jew, but they're all bullshit if you're a Canaanite.' Then the Palestinians could fess up, 'Those theories about Jews running the world's banks and Zionist American plots to take over the world: they sound fine if you're a Palestinian, but they're all bullshit.' Wouldn't they all breathe easier?

And what about those piles of corporate excrement on Wall Street? The only thing that trickles down from the rich to the poor is bullshit.

There are two kinds of people: the enlightened and the ignorant. The ignorant think there is a precious jewel buried in the bullshit. The enlightened are free because they know it's all bullshit.

Non-dualism, fundamentalism, catholicism, protestantism, atheism, buddhism, darwinism and spelling self with a capital 'S': all bullshit!

Imitating your Indian guru by nodding your head from side to side: Bullshit!

Taking Jesus to be your imaginary friend, taking Krishna to be your imaginary friend, or imagining that you have no imaginary friend: all bullshit! Just do what you love!

Join a mega-church led by a bishop in diamond rings who drives a Cadillac and preaches damnation to gay people while seducing teen age boys, or live without any spiritual community at all: either way, it's bullshit. Just do what you love!

Accepting that the mind is full of bullshit is the deepest meditation. Only then can you laugh, flush, and be empty. Just do what you love!

This is the only truth, and even This is bullshit.

Relax. Wallow. There's a pretty big Bull up there.

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